“Love” by Czeslaw Milosz
Love means to look at yourself
The way one looks at distant things
For you are only one thing among many.
And whoever sees that way heals his heart,
Without knowing it, from various ills ~
A bird and a tree say to him: Friend.
Then he wants to use himself and things
So that they stand in the glow of ripeness. It doesn’t matter whether he knows what he serves:
Who serves best doesn’t always understand.
Today was a long day. Actually, every day has been long and weird for about the past three days. First, I helped a guy who was stuck here get a bus ticket to another city in another state. That was a two day process. Then this morning, my boyfriend is doing the dishes, and the next thing I know, he is on the kitchen floor with lower back spasms. After getting him from the kitchen to the bedroom and into bed, he continued to have these amazingly painful spasms. So I would grab his legs and pull them out and up straight, and stretch his back. This was not an easy feat to pull off as he is an avid cyclist whose main love in life is climbing hills. I have been riding with him off and on for 22 years, on the road and off in the mountains (I miss that a lot; no car to get to mountains). He is the only person I know who can start a ride going uphill and finishing uphill. It is a true talent that I have never quite been able to figure out how he pulls it off. He has muscular and rather heavy legs. My legs and arms are tired.
After the spasms did not go away after about 2.5 hours, I decided that I didn’t know what to do, and that I needed to get the paramedics there and the ambulance, as well. So that is what I did. I certainly didn’t have the pharmaceuticals needed to take of the pain and relax the muscles on hand. Besides, he takes a bunch of stuff for asthma. I know what my allergies to certain medications are, but it is really difficult to determine that for someone whose meds you are completely unfamiliar with and who is really out there with acute lower back pain. Fun.
I am a bit concerned because we brought him to my apartment because there were no stairs involved, but I have carpet and a cat. No matter how hard I try to maintain a fur-free environment it is absolutely impossible. He has cats but his floor is hardwood and only carpet in the bedroom. And he is absolutely OCD about the laundry.
We’ve known each other forever but he says he never knew this side of me existed. I guess being diagnosed as Bipolar with psychotic features, no less, as well as PTSD, Panic Disorder with and without Agoraphobia, and ADD to throw a little extra fun into the mix is somewhat humbling. Practicing Buddhism seems to have had some effect in the arrogance arena as well. Helping other people makes me feel better because no matter how fucked up I think my life may be, there is always worse, and if I can renew, even for a moment, that person’s faith in humanity, then I have done something good and right. I think nearly dying a few years ago may have had something to do with it too. Whatever happened, I am not the person I was about 7 or 8 years ago. However, the desire to help people to the extent that I can has always been there. It just needed a reason to come out. Now, not so much. It helps me forget that I don’t know if I can pay the rent in May. Still not much of anything from the SSA. Which is beginning to make my headaches come back. That kinda bites, but not like nerve pain. I get a feeling I may be up for the night :)
I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.
I have already told my story many times over, but the basics are that I was diagnosed in 2004 with Bipolar Type I with psychotic features, PTSD, ADD, and Panic Disorder with and without Agoraphobia. The mixture of these mental issues makes life quite interesting. I live in “mixed-episode” world. I guess one could call that balanced :) I have lived with mental health issues for the majority of my life, but have only been successfully treated for about 6 years.
Please visit http://blogformentalhealth.com/ for more information on how to join the project.
First I would Like to thank TheSecretKeeper for the nomination. Although, I had stopped taking awards for my writing is somewhere between journal and clinical stuff (and things I have learned along the merry little way), I feel honored for this one (being a new award) as well as all that came before it. The awards belong to the blog as the act of writing is, for me, cathartic, and if people read it and continue to read it, I sincerely hope that they come away with a different idea of what mental “intrestingness” really looks like.
In the Secret Keepers words (largely because I was stymied):
The Black Wolf Blogger Award
I improvised on the introduction with the following:
“This is a new award, it’s the first time I’ve seen it.
If it is representative of the wolf, which is a positive symbolism:
the wolf has sharp intelligence, deep connection with instincts,
appetite for freedom, expression of strong instincts.”
Sited at spiritanimal.info
I would like to nominate the following sites, and if you do not accept awards, I understand.
Jethro Tull “Skating Away on the Thin Ice Of A New Day ~ This is on my ever-changing list of favorite songs. However, it is one of the few that are always in the top ten.
“Skating Away On The Thin Ice Of The New Day”
Meanwhile back in the year One — when you belonged to no-one —
you didn’t stand a chance son, if your pants were undone.
`Cause you were bred for humanity and sold to society —
one day you’ll wake up in the Present Day —
a million generations removed from expectations
of being who you really want to be.Skating away —
skating away —
skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.
So as you push off from the shore,
won’t you turn your head once more — and make your peace with everyone?
For those who choose to stay,
will live just one more day —
to do the things they should have done.
And as you cross the wilderness, spinning in your emptiness:
you feel you have to pray.
Looking for a sign
that the Universal Mind (!) has written you into the Passion Play.
Skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.
And as you cross the circle line, the ice-wall creaks behind —
you’re a rabbit on the run.
And the silver splinters fly in the corner of your eye —
shining in the setting sun.
Well, do you ever get the feeling that the story’s
too damn real and in the present tense?
Or that everybody’s on the stage, and it seems like
you’re the only person sitting in the audience?
Skating away on the thin ice of the New Day.
Fleetwood Mac with Peter Green 1969
This is how I am feeling today after nearly being hit twice……one got flipped the bird (not smart, I know), and the other one got my tongue stuck out at them. Both went their merry little ways not realizing they had almost hit a pedestrian. Why is it when people are in their cars, they act like they are the only people on earth? How do you miss a 5′ 10″ pedestrian that is bigger than some men? I have been trying to figure that out for years. Henceforth, Fleetwood Mac’s “Oh Well”.