As A Bipolar Gemini, I Really Do Not Need As Much Feedback As I Have Been Getting

Quite honestly, I have Bipolar, not brain damage. I am also a Gemini, the so-called schizophrenic of the Zodiac. So, I figure, Bipolar is 2 and Gemini is 2. Therefore I have 4 people running around in my head doing laps. Fast laps. The Adderall that is supposed to keep my brain calm has nothing on flight of ideas when it decides to happen. It will not hold my brain still. I feel like it is jiggling. Everyone has an opinion about the car, especially my husband, because he relies on it so much. He does not seem to understand why my mother and I have decided to have it towed from here to Albuquerque. I swear to all that is holy, the car has no front brakes and a doughnut spare on the back driver’s side. Albuquerque is 35 miles away, I already did more damage than was necessary driving home on last Sunday.  Not to mention the fact that it HAS NO front braking capacity. If I had to brake hard, I would hit whatever was in front of me and total out the car. Does that really sound like a better plan than calling AAA for a tow?!?! I feel so loved sometimes.

So, I am cranky and irritable because I have screwed up sleeping patterns for some reason, I have a broken car that, thankfully, my mother is willing to help me fix, I have my mother, my father, and the 4 of me telling me I need a job. I think that the 4 of me know that, and I do not need more feedback on that subject. I have $20.00 to my name as I had to pay for my cell, and the cable internet went down this morning due to lack of payment, so I paid that and now my checking is going to be messed up. I think I have enough problems to last a couple of weeks at least. I just do not need anymore feedback. My brain cannot handle it, and it is making me angry. I do not like be cranky and angry and tired.

Maybe, I’ll take the Seroquel early and go to sleep. Then my brain will shut up for a few hours, and I won’t have to sit there and listen to my husband telling me everything we need to buy with what little money I have. I think for someone his age, with all the life experience he keeps telling me he has that I do not have that he would understand I just paid $220.00 worth of bills, and something is going to bounce. Oh, I hate feeling like this. All mania on one hand, and all depression on the other. I feel like screaming and crying, but mostly I feel like sleeping. Then everything will be calm for a bit.

About songtothesirens

First off, I am not very funny. Secondly, I am a full-blown geek; I like chess (it is my favorite game), I enjoyed writing research papers in college, I enjoyed statistics and any other kind of math. But, in my old age (43), I have learned to own my geekdom, it is uniquely mine. Third, I have manic-depressive illness which can make life a bit rocky sometimes, like when the medications are not strong enough to treat the illness, then it bites me in the ass…..hard. Most of the time, though, I ride the sine wave that are normal moods. It is an interesting disease to have though. You do a lot of self reflecting and exploration which can be rough, but you can see where you have made mistakes and you can take action to prevent that behavior in the future. Fourth, I have learned how not to settle for anything; bad medical care, toxic and angry people, bad food, bad relationships. I just will not settle anymore. I have already been there and done that. Fifth, I have learned over the years it is not cool to puke through your nose because you drank too much at a party or a bar. Sixth, I love to read everything from fiction to non-fiction to school textbooks. I do not remember learning to read. My mom says when I was about 3 or 4 years old, I picked up National Geographic and began to read it. Who knew? Seventh, and possibly last, I love music of all types except Rap. My favorite music to relax to is classical preferably of the Baroque period like Amadeus Mozart and Beethoven. I love going to the movies by myself. If you go on a Monday afternoon matinée, there is usually no one there so it is like having your own private theater. I am also a Nichiren Buddhist by way of spiritual belief. I am basically just weird. .
This entry was posted in coping, disrespect, emotional blindness, lack of love, madness, manic episodes, sadness, stress. Bookmark the permalink.

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