I am tired
of the ups and downs. It seems like there are more downs recently. I have been through too many of these. I do not feel like I have any support network. My father had effectively removed himself from my life (I no longer receive birthday or christmas cards from him, that pretty much tells me he wants nothing to do with me), my mother has moved away from me again although I think it is her husband that has encouraged this. So, I have lost her. And now my husband is internet bound for days and nights on end. What is really ironically funny is that he told me the other night that I can come to him with my problems, and then this morning went off on me because I couldn’t get his internet to hook up to our network. How am I supposed to feel comfortable telling him that I am suicidal, probably need hospitalization (the last time I asked him to take me to the hospital, he flipped out on me and began to yell at me). so, he’s a no go despite what he claims. Words are very different than actions, and I do not trust him to give a shit. All he cares about is his internet porn.
I have hit the end of my very frayed rope. There is no way out of this. Well, there is, but I do not think I want to there. It is tempting though. Just going to sleep and not waking up. Seems kind of appealing, but I cannot go there nor can I tell anyone because they will call the police. i am fucked. I can’t seem to shake this funk, and it was highly exacerbated this morning by getting yelled ant and attacked verbally by my own husband. I think I need out of this relationship. He, however will not grant me a divorce.
I am hurting and my chest feels constricted and mt heart has been broken by words not sincerely offered. I wish I could just be numb.