I cannot sleep. My medication doctor put me back on Adderall, but at a 20 mg increase. So I am tweaking on what a lot of people go to jail for. Except mine is a pure combination of four different amphetamines and bound with a salt. Because your doctor prescribed it for a learning disability (I have “over focussed Attention Deficit Disorder, and all this time people thought some of my grades were low, and here it was that I was just bored out of my skull so i couldn’t concentrate), and some anxiety disorders
( know I am a lot more social when I am on it, and I can’t type apparently, but I am one hell of an organized term paper writer, and oddly enough, a damn good waitress, provided I have some form of amphetamine in my blood). That’s how I worked my way through school. 50 hours a week working about 6 days a week, with a double shift on my day off from school and work. Between school and work, something had to go….. oooh, oooh, I know it was sleep. Sleep was what I gave up quite voluntarily back then before the BIG DIAGNOSIS; now I would gladly donate a kidney to be able to sleep like normal people do. I mean I have always had problems with sleeping, But I chalked it up to genetics: my father is an insomniac. Now with hindsight being 20/20 and all, maybe I shouldn’t have done some of the things I did which would mess up my sleep cycle.
I have gone through ‘spells’ like this before but they were not medication based. Seroquel has a lovely way of making you gain weight. Adderall is dual purpose: 1) it helps unscramble the omelet that is my brain, and it helps to curb appetite so you do not eat as much, you lose weight. Big Benefit. Small problem: I will need to sleep sometime today at some point, and it will most likely be the most inconvenient time like when I have doctor’s appointment. Gotta love doctor prescribed speed. That’s all it is is pure speed combined with a salt (Hcl). Being a former speed freak, I have very mixed feelings about this medication. On the one hand, it does make it easier for me to focus on things, but on the other hand, I feel like I am on speed. It is a catch-22. The Adderall controls weight and appetite, and treats the Adult ADD. But it is still speed which was my drug of choice for a long time. I have been free of street drugs for nearly 20 years, so you can see my ambivalence regarding this medication. It does what I want it to do, and it makes the omelet of thoughts that is normally my brain talking to itself, and periodically losing. Now that is sad. Losing an argument to yourself.
Maybe if I had wised up earlier, my life would be on a completely different track right now. There you go: coulda, shoulda, woulda. Too many “ifs” in life. In fact it is smack dab in the middle of the word life. ‘if”.
Why is substance abuse so often correlated with Bipolar and some of the other mood disorders and personality disorders?