I Have No Idea What I Am Right Now ~ Manic, Depressed, Stressed Or Are They All The Same

bipolar-quotes-02-300x240

bipolar-quotes-02-300×240 (Photo credit: Life Mental Health)

 

I have one certainty right now. I have BPAD type I with psychotic features, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder with and without Agoraphobia, and Panic Disorder. It it not amusing that 3 of 4 are anxiety disorders that are triggered by stress which I am undergoing to an extreme that I never have in the past. Not this kind of stress. I can handle work-related stress, the everyday stress that comes from sharing this planet with so many different people, but I don’t know if I can handle this level of emotional stress. I feel that I may go insane (I have a list to choose from), and this time I may not come back in the same form I left in. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I am paralyzed in my mind where I go to hide. I feel like a coin being tossed and whatever comes up heads is where I go that day. If it’s tails, do not bother getting out of bed, it won’t be worth the time, energy or pain that will go into trying to stay positive in the face of extremely negative circumstances. 

 

Everyone thinks I am strong and I am not. I am a quivering mass that is hiding behind a facade of normalcy and strength. Unless you have experienced this type of emotional stress, you will not understand what I am going on about. My husband is going to be served with divorce papers tomorrow, and neither one of us have a place to go live other than where we are. So, we are living together for the next three months. I do not think this is going to finally be the proverbial straw, and I go off the deep end (I am already in the deep end), and never come back. This is going to color my world for a long time, I think. My whole paradigm about relationships has shifted, and it remains to be seen in which direction. My last long term relationship lasted 9 years, but at the time no one knew that I had manic-depression. PTSD, yes. But nothing that could explain the Bipolar symptoms that were beginning to manifest. Now, I know, and I feel an obligation to whoever can love me to tell them so they will know from the get go what they are in for. Ideally, this person will not be swayed and will learn how to be with someone who has periods of mania and severe depression. And, they will care and not care at the same time. They will love me for me, and the disorder won’t always be the elephant in the room like it is now.

 

He doesn’t understand what he did wrong in the marriage, I totally get what I did wrong. I am divorcing him for those reasons, not because I do not love him, but because I do love him and care about his welfare, and I am not an easy person to be around sometimes. I do things and say things that are harmful and damaging. And, I am trying to protect him from me, and to a certain extent, myself from him. I cannot tolerate his pet diversion any longer and still respect myself as a woman. I can no longer live with someone who refuses to try to learn something about Bipolar disorder since that has been the most disruptive of all my diagnoses. How can one handle something that one has no real knowledge of? I have to live with it everyday. You can be damn sure I read whatever I can get that is legitimate and not “pop” psychology. I cannot do battle against something that I do not understand. No one can. At least not effectively. I hope I can get through this without becoming cynical and jaded. I hope that I can get through this without any drama, or me going way off the radar of “normal” feeling. 

 

I just hope that……hell, I do not know what I hope. I do not even know how I feel. I do not even know if I am feeling or if I am pretending which I am so good at. I just know something is off about me these days. I do not think I have allowed myself to feel because then I would be useless. Maybe I will let myself feel when I have time. Maybe.

 

About songtothesirens

First off, I am not very funny. Secondly, I am a full-blown geek; I like chess (it is my favorite game), I enjoyed writing research papers in college, I enjoyed statistics and any other kind of math. But, in my old age (43), I have learned to own my geekdom, it is uniquely mine. Third, I have manic-depressive illness which can make life a bit rocky sometimes, like when the medications are not strong enough to treat the illness, then it bites me in the ass…..hard. Most of the time, though, I ride the sine wave that are normal moods. It is an interesting disease to have though. You do a lot of self reflecting and exploration which can be rough, but you can see where you have made mistakes and you can take action to prevent that behavior in the future. Fourth, I have learned how not to settle for anything; bad medical care, toxic and angry people, bad food, bad relationships. I just will not settle anymore. I have already been there and done that. Fifth, I have learned over the years it is not cool to puke through your nose because you drank too much at a party or a bar. Sixth, I love to read everything from fiction to non-fiction to school textbooks. I do not remember learning to read. My mom says when I was about 3 or 4 years old, I picked up National Geographic and began to read it. Who knew? Seventh, and possibly last, I love music of all types except Rap. My favorite music to relax to is classical preferably of the Baroque period like Amadeus Mozart and Beethoven. I love going to the movies by myself. If you go on a Monday afternoon matinée, there is usually no one there so it is like having your own private theater. I am also a Nichiren Buddhist by way of spiritual belief. I am basically just weird. .
This entry was posted in absence, acceptance, being okay with one's self, challenge, change, contemplation, coping, damage control, disappointment, divorce, grief, Guilt, hurt, inner strength, insomnia, loss, lost people, love, Marriage, mixed episode, pain, profound sadness, relationships, The Rabbit Hole and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to I Have No Idea What I Am Right Now ~ Manic, Depressed, Stressed Or Are They All The Same

  1. I clicked like to let you know I hear you. What you are saying is the end is coming to a relationship and you still have to live together for at least another 3 months. This is all quite stressful for anyone but when you have Bipolar and an assortment of other issues connected to PTSD & anxiety disorders plus agoraphobia. You have hit the jackpot for someone whose strength is being ultimately tested. I do understand. I check yes to each of the above I listed. Holding it together sometimes doesn’t seem possible. Living with an broken relationship sucks. But if he is at least a decent person you will make it through. Do you have a good or great therapist that you are working with? I am fortunate I finally found someone who gets me. I see her tomorrow and have some painful news to share with her. The post I am publishing on my blog tonight, every time I do editing on it, I start to feel overwhelmed and cry. It is a section from a manuscript that I am rewriting on my blog. I post one section every Tuesday in the early morning for me. We all know writers write from what they know or have experienced in some form or another. It helps to release the pressure. Do you have anything you feel drawn to doing to express yourself creatively. To help relieve the pressure. The depression or to express the mania. I write. I know you write. Have you ever thrown your feelings into some form of art. You are obviously highly intelligent. You need focus. Once I finally found the best therapist I ever had, I did start to get that focus. And also there are some people in my life that really help me feel confidence in myself. I am not saying that I haven’t battled. I went through a period when I kept feeling delusional. What I thought was real was actually no real. But I couldn’t tell the difference. With a great deal of work with my therapist and a friend who understood I was able to figure that out. I have to stop now. Need to publish post and do one other thing and then get some sleep. But I am here if you want to write to me. I will listen. You are in the middle of Hell and it isn’t strange at all that you are having the reactions you are having. I spend time when I wake up depressed and I just cant get out of bed. I dont understand why I am depressed b/c when I go to sleep I am as close to fine as possible. It is sometimes hard to go to sleep at all and I stay up. But I work a little at a time trying to get the bipolar under control and the rest of the psych diagnoses worked on. It is a slow process I have been working on since I was a teenager. And they kept the bipolar from me all or most of my life. I only found b/c my current therapist found it in my charts and told me about it. I asked if I could know what was in my records. I read everything I can. You probably know about psychcentral.com. It is a great site for everything that has to do with one’s psyche. Highly recommend getting yourself on their newsletters. I get regular ones in my email all the time, There is so much to read and to find out. New things that help you feel more positive about all the issues you have to deal with. Like an true bipolar it is difficult to stop. But I need to. Connect with me. It has been awhile but we can reach out again. Please do. Ok. Be good to yourself. Peace. Jennifer Jk the secret keeper

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    • I will reply to this when I don’t feel like I have been splattered all over the Universe. Maybe I should take my trusty Kindle and go to bed. Or maybe play with my new used HTC phone I bought myself for my birthday.

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      • Good plan the kindle & your new used HTC phone. Happy Birthday. We do un-birthday and on-birthday presents at our house. They’re so unexpected. I actually have an on-birthday coming up. So we share birthdays close together. Take a moment at a time. Play with your techno toys. I love mine to. Got them all right next to me. Can’t sleep without them. Write when you feel able to. I make no demands. Take whatever time you need. I understand. I am not always able to respond right away myself. Night. Jk @>-;—

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      • I am sending you a note on this comment. I have read your longer comment. I will spend time writing a response to what you wrote, I’ve slipped into a hypo-manic mode/mood and have been writing about bipolar and much more on the post I published a short while ago. It is really long. Also, had my own weird meltdown. I broke one of my therapist’s rule, not intentionally and I also did not get enough sleep. I thought I was going to be able to sleep in on Wednesday but a sudden doctor’s appt came up at the last moment so I only got a short power nap after the night before that being shortened. So I am doing it again tonight. I have a therapy appt in less than 8 hrs and I am manic. Need to take night meds and a snack. Haven’t eaten much today, I am breaking the rules all around. But I wanted to let you know I have not forgotten your long letter. It was good for you to let it out. How are you doing now that the divorce papers are served and you are still sharing the same space? I will expand on everything when I write later. I hope I have the energy to do it today. After my therapist, I see my chiropractor and then my surgeon to check on how I am healing. What a week. After that I have nothing until next week and one appt on Tuesday and one on Wednesday. Then the 4th. I can sleep in on that day and then nothing again until the next Tuesday. So rest is ahead and a lot of Tennis, I am an avid Tennis Fan, Watch all 4 majors. Wimbledon is happening now. Everyone I want to win is losing. Esp. my Roger Federer. He lost in second round. He was the world champion for over 9 years and was winning all the tournaments, I got to stop. Later we will connect. Night for now. Listening to Whitney and will fall asleep to her music and a variety of others on my playlist. I plug in the ear buds and the music in my Walkman drops me off to sleep pretty fast. So BFN Peace. Jennifer

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        • My iPod is in my bed. I understand the hypo-manic mode you are. Finally got more than 4 hours myself last night. Of course it meant I woke up at 9 am, but that’s okay. I needed to sleep. I hope that you are doing alright. Sounds like a lot going on for you. And I know how weird the mood episodes can be. Especially when you aren’t sleeping. Everything seems either heightened or really slow. I hope everything starts calming down for you. Mania can be very challenging.

          Well, now that he’s been served, he seemed okay that day but then yesterday he holed himself in his little office with the door closed. I have no idea what time he came out because I went walking at 3 pm, got a nice little sunburn for my efforts, and got home about 5:30. He was gone. So it is cycling between weird and somewhat normal. Which is causing me to cycle, but my meds seem to be keeping that to a minimum. I am in the dreaded mixed state: manic with no motivation to do anything. So, it is strange, but seems to be working so far. Thank you for asking.

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    • I think that having slept a little bit I can see things a bit more clearly. Yes, this is going to test everything I am made of in a way that I have never been tested. He is a decent person, but prone to bone crushing, paralyzing depressions. I only know what he feels like because a bone crushing, paralyzing depression unlike any I had ever experienced in my life (and I had racked up a lot of brownie points with unipolar depression throughout my life) was what drew me to a therapist who eventually after the course of about a year diagnosed me with BPAD type II. I was rapidly re-diagnosed with BPAD type I with psychotic features. I guess I don’t always have a grip on reality as it appears to others. I have often wondered over the past couple of months how much those psychotic features have colored my perception of my now gone relationship. Everyone filters life through their own lens. I wonder how much my very cracked lens affects how I perceive the world….I wonder if I weren’t filtering through anxiety, PTSD, and the Bipolar disorder, if things would have been different. The PTSD alone is enough to deal with; the constant state of waiting for the next assault, the dreams, the hypervigilance. Add that to Bipolar disorder and you have one hell of a cocktail. First I have to make sure that no matter where I go or who I am with is not going to physically harm me (maybe a little paranoid, too), then I have to deal with the symptoms of Bipolar disorder, and try to keep that managed even though I am hypersensitive, and prone to seeing things through that hypersensitivity which leads most people to think I am over reacting to small slights or making mountains out of molehills. But to me, these things (like his proclivity to spend hours on sites of ill repute) are very real attacks on who I am, especially who I am as a woman. What is so wrong with me that he has to spend hours looking at pictures of other women he considers sexy? It has always been a huge bone of contention because he is devaluing me, and disrespecting me, in my opinion. I have expressed my feelings on this matter, yet he continued. He didn’t think what he was doing was wrong. I warned him that what amounts to an addiction was going to ruin our marriage. He responded with “no one is going to censor me in my own home” or “you are taking this too personally” (damn straight, he was and is spending 8 hours engaged in this activity). Another popular answer was “I do not listen to threats and ultimatums.” I told him it wasn’t a threat, it was indeed a certainty that if he continued, we would be getting divorced. I do not think he really understands how absolutely disrespected I feel, and how much it has damaged my view of myself as being attractive (which has always been tenuous at best). Since he couldn’t be bothered to open a book about Bipolar disorder, he doesn’t understand that most of us with this little “interestingness” tend towards being very sensitive about everything. Which is great if you are a trained professional therapist who can disassociate their own feelings from those of others. But this lack of understanding leads the average Bipolar towards feeling misunderstood, feeling unsupported, and feeling like their “partner” really couldn’t care less about them. He couldn’t be bothered to figure out what my triggers are: feeling disrespected, feeling like I am speaking Swahili when trying to express my unhappiness with his chosen “hobby”, feeling like I am being controlled, feeling unwanted, or unloved. All these things and many more can send me to the moon or to hell depending on which way my brain chooses to process the feelings. He just doesn’t get that his chosen “hobby” is a big trigger. It triggered all my insecurities about how I look, whether I am “sexy” enough to turn my partner on (he actually told me I couldn’t turn him on. How’s that for confirmation?), and a whole slew of other negative feelings about myself. In general, I do not consider myself to be an ugly person, however, I grew up hearing about how pretty my younger sister was. That became an internal insecurity that I have never completely managed to eradicate, and it was only exacerbated by his “fantasy” women whom he was asking me to be increasingly like. I do not do dishes in high heels , lingerie and full makeup.

      So, it is so simple, it is almost stupid. All he had to do was tone down the frequency in which he visited never-never land, and open a book and learn something helpful about bipolar disorder. Maybe then he would have been able to understand and support me. And, maybe I would have had fewer tantrums and fewer episodes of depression. All he had to do was respect me, and I would have respected him in return. But, the fact that he wouldn’t give up never-never land where the women are always half naked for reality with me combined with the lack of desire for knowledge of what he was dealing with eventually wore him down, and as a consequence forced me to look at what was really going on, and decide that my self-respect and self-esteem is more important to me than saving this marriage. I realized after a huge fight that nothing was going to change; I was going to continue to question myself, my sanity, and my desirability as a woman, and he was going to carry on as though the status quo could be maintained. So, I carried through on my “threat”. i filed for divorce, he is going to be served today, and the ball will start rolling faster towards the demise of an already dead relationship. It is just hard to bury the wreckage. But, manic or depressed (or as I suspect, both) I will make it through these three months. I may end up with a few new scars and a few new open wounds that will take time to heal, but at least I won’t be caught between self-respect and disrespect anymore. I may be more hesitant to be in another relationship, but at least I won’t be with someone bent on making me into something I am not and someone who couldn’t be bothered to learn about the disease affecting their “loved” one. It is just so stupid. Learning about manic depression would have benefited him as well. He could learn how to cope with it when it did decide to rear it’s rather ugly head.

      So, my marriage is dead because of a computer and a book, and my mental illnesses. God, that is so simple and so stupid at the same time. Because I felt alone and hurt (because of aforementioned hobby), I would lash out at him for things he did, and for things that he had nothing to do with. I effectively weathered him the way water and air erode stone. And he, in return, would fall deeply into his fantastical world where all women are beautiful and half naked. And then the whole cycle would begin again.

      I am fortunate to have two very good doctors. One is a genius with medication, and the other is a genius at keeping me out of the hospital. I can talk to her. She understands me. I also write a lot both here and in my multitude of journals, backs of envelopes or any bit of available paper. I used to be a pretty decent watercolor painter, and I used to be pretty accomplished at beadwork. As a very old and dear friend put it, I used to do a lot of things. Clearly, he saw something that I was not aware of; my marriage had changed me in a very fundamental way. I had lost who I was, and become something altogether different. I do not like this person. I need to reclaim her, and the only way to do that is to get away from the source of that change, and that would be my dead relationship. I expect the next few months will be difficult. I just do not know how it is going to affect me or him. I could very well melt like the witch in the Wizard of Oz, or I could become stronger. Who knows? All I know is I am not doing this again. Not for this price. The cost to my overall health is too high. I did not make it this far only to fall.

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