Why Is Everything My Fault?

Washington DC - Foggy Bottom: Watergate Complex

Washington DC – Foggy Bottom: Watergate Complex (Photo credit: wallyg)

I would like to know when I became responsible for an irresponsible person. I am not in control of bill paying anymore, and somehow, the bills are not getting paid. Now, we are low on coffee creamer because I have bipolar disorder and when under heavy emotional stress, I do not sleep well, if at all. So, now that’s my fault too. Did I have anything to do with the Cuban Missile Crisis? Yes, even though I wasn’t even born yet. I do not think my parents were even married at the time, but it is my fault that Castro almost blew us from here to kingdom come. Trickle down economics didn’t work, because something about me wouldn’t let it. Never mind that I was like 10 or maybe 12. I still had some influence on that misguided idea. Do not how, but I am responsible. Oh, and the biggie, the Watergate scandal. i was responsible for that too. No one knew that a toddler plated those tape recorders. Toddlers are dangerous. Better watch out for them, especially if they are walking. They are so impressionable at that age. 

I cannot wait until I am completely moved out of this hell-hole. I have never in my life felt so beaten down for reasons I do not understand. i cannot get anything right. Everything is about my having bipolar disorder. NO IT IS NOT!!!!!!!! Most of the time, if I am mad about something, I have a legitimate right to be angry. If I am happy, them I am just happy. It is not a manic episode. If i am sad, then I am simply sad. No depressive episode in sight. Most of the time recently I have just been irritated beyond my capacity for stupidity. I have never suffered fools lightly, and I can no longer put up with the behaviour of my soon to be ex husband. He is acting like  small child. Placing blame on external sources, when he is a Nichiren Buddhist and should know better. Your problems and solutions are within not without oneself. 

Maybe I am the irrational one. Fuck if I know! Maybe my reaction to his childishness is irrational, but I have done my best to keep things low-key. I am beginning to lose my grip on things. I feel like throwing stuff that breaks. That would be satisfying. My attempts at rationality are reaching their end. Not that I would ever do this, but I think he needs smacked upside the head to see how immature and stupid he is acting. I have had it. I can no longer sleep right, I never know when the next verbal or emotional attack is going to come from and for what reason. Let him play on the online dating sites. I only wish I cold find a way to tell these women that he is a façade and nothing else. He comes on charming and smooth, reels you in, and then his true nature starts coming out. Okay, girls, i warn you that he will be spending about 8 hours a day looking at other naked women. You are going to end feeling as sexy as a fat cow. He will never tell you that he loves you. He will never tell you that you are beautiful; forget your girlish notions of romance. You are in a world of hurt if you get close to him. He is a loser. 

There, I feel better. i am no longer responsible for the deficit. :)

About songtothesirens

First off, I am not very funny. Secondly, I am a full-blown geek; I like chess (it is my favorite game), I enjoyed writing research papers in college, I enjoyed statistics and any other kind of math. But, in my old age (43), I have learned to own my geekdom, it is uniquely mine. Third, I have manic-depressive illness which can make life a bit rocky sometimes, like when the medications are not strong enough to treat the illness, then it bites me in the ass…..hard. Most of the time, though, I ride the sine wave that are normal moods. It is an interesting disease to have though. You do a lot of self reflecting and exploration which can be rough, but you can see where you have made mistakes and you can take action to prevent that behavior in the future. Fourth, I have learned how not to settle for anything; bad medical care, toxic and angry people, bad food, bad relationships. I just will not settle anymore. I have already been there and done that. Fifth, I have learned over the years it is not cool to puke through your nose because you drank too much at a party or a bar. Sixth, I love to read everything from fiction to non-fiction to school textbooks. I do not remember learning to read. My mom says when I was about 3 or 4 years old, I picked up National Geographic and began to read it. Who knew? Seventh, and possibly last, I love music of all types except Rap. My favorite music to relax to is classical preferably of the Baroque period like Amadeus Mozart and Beethoven. I love going to the movies by myself. If you go on a Monday afternoon matinée, there is usually no one there so it is like having your own private theater. I am also a Nichiren Buddhist by way of spiritual belief. I am basically just weird. .
This entry was posted in aggrevation, anger, betrayal, broken dreams, broken promises, cold, conditional love, disappointment, disrespect, distrust, divorce, fools, fuck it all, fucked up people, happiness is a warm gun, happiness is a warm gun ~ The Beatles, hell-hole, hurt, inner strength, lost people, mental condition, mental health, rage and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Why Is Everything My Fault?

  1. mkesling63 says:

    It is called emotional abuse. They are the losers , know it, and you are taking his looserhood for him. My last ex was major loser and hates me for refusing to take his looser hood. I don’t take somebody else looserhood. Let him own it and and sit back and watch him go down. Don’t brag when he does just enjoy the win. There is more power and respect in being humble.

    Like

    • I have hit the same point. I have been refusing to engage him in anything that even looks like it could turn on me at any second.

      Main problem: he thinks he walks on water, and will never “own” it. Nope, wouldn’t brag, would be silently satisfied.

      Like

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