What Goes Up Must Come Down

I have been having a terrible time with sleeping recently which for someone who has Bipolar is a really bad thing. I get in bed after taking nighttime meds, I read a little, I get sleepy, I turn out the light, and Bam!, I am awake, but sleepy because of the meds. I cleaned up my room at 12:30 am having gone to bed at 10:00 pm, and sleeping for about 2 hours, and then there it goes, my eyes open, my brain starts up, and I end up doing really crazy sounding stuff like cleaning up my room at 12:30 am, and then watching TV for 3 hours, going back to bed, and sleeping a little then waking up at 5:00 am. That is around 4 hours. However, the problem is that it is not 4 hours straight. I have been cat-napping for about 2 weeks. 

I finally call my doctor in desperation at 8:00 am yesterday explaining to the tech that answered the phone that I needed to speak to his nurse, that I have bipolar disorder, I am not sleeping more than an hour or two at a time, that my diagnosis also included the potential for psychosis. and that I was starting to hear and see things I knew were not real (major check for psychosis; if you know it isn’t real then you are not psychotic, yet). In other words, I tried to make it very clear that I was dissembling rapidly. I called two more times. Nothing. At approximately 5 in the evening, I talked to another tech, by this time fairly freaked out, and she assured me that a nurse would call me straightaway. Nope. By 6 pm, I was sobbing uncontrollably (lack of emotional control due to lack of sleep), and seeing and hearing things.

I was having this ethical argument with myself about whether it was wrong to go to the ER and take up a bed that someone else who was very ill or injured could use just because I couldn’t sleep and was becoming psychotic, or should I just stay home and hope that that which is up will always come down. You know its bad when you are having moral arguments with yourself, and both teams are deadlocked. So I called a nurse hotline in an attempt to clear up this moral dilemma. I figured maybe a third, impartial party could solve the issue. Nope. That’s just the way my life flows (or doesn’t). She said I should go because of the hallucinations, but since I knew they were not real, I was not psychotic, yet, therefore, I could probably stay home and try to get some sleep, and try the doctor again in the morning. Which I ultimately did do, and I slept. I did not sleep straight through, I did wake up a handful of times, but by now I am so tired that I have no choice but to sleep.

I am still tired, but I am awake for the day, and there is no going back down which I don’t think I ever did. I think my body in collusion with my brain said “Enough is enough. We are sleeping now….” so off to sleep I went. I am still hearing things and seeing things in my peripheral vision that I know are not there. That is a good thing. It means I am not psychotic, yet. I am pretty pissed off at my doctor’s office though. A bipolar on the verge of psychosis is not funny, it is a very real crisis. But, you are not suicidal and you are not homicidal, so it must not be that bad. Ahem (clearing throat)…….when its you that cannot sleep, and are hearing and seeing things….its bad. Fucking “normal” people.

About songtothesirens

First off, I am not very funny. Secondly, I am a full-blown geek; I like chess (it is my favorite game), I enjoyed writing research papers in college, I enjoyed statistics and any other kind of math. But, in my old age (43), I have learned to own my geekdom, it is uniquely mine. Third, I have manic-depressive illness which can make life a bit rocky sometimes, like when the medications are not strong enough to treat the illness, then it bites me in the ass…..hard. Most of the time, though, I ride the sine wave that are normal moods. It is an interesting disease to have though. You do a lot of self reflecting and exploration which can be rough, but you can see where you have made mistakes and you can take action to prevent that behavior in the future. Fourth, I have learned how not to settle for anything; bad medical care, toxic and angry people, bad food, bad relationships. I just will not settle anymore. I have already been there and done that. Fifth, I have learned over the years it is not cool to puke through your nose because you drank too much at a party or a bar. Sixth, I love to read everything from fiction to non-fiction to school textbooks. I do not remember learning to read. My mom says when I was about 3 or 4 years old, I picked up National Geographic and began to read it. Who knew? Seventh, and possibly last, I love music of all types except Rap. My favorite music to relax to is classical preferably of the Baroque period like Amadeus Mozart and Beethoven. I love going to the movies by myself. If you go on a Monday afternoon matinée, there is usually no one there so it is like having your own private theater. I am also a Nichiren Buddhist by way of spiritual belief. I am basically just weird. .
This entry was posted in anger, Bipolar Disorder, insomnia, psychiatrists, psychosis and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to What Goes Up Must Come Down

  1. The fact that u write so well should give u self motivation that u are still sane.Its a vicious circle asking for professional medical help.My humble request is that analyse and tune your mind into finding your own answers.Use your mental illness to your own advantage.You don’t need others to tell you what you already know.Cheers n GOD bless:)

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  2. Raeyn says:

    Ugh, I would be VERY angry in your shoes, ugh ugh. I am thankfully Bipolar 2 so don’t see psychosis, but I just… ugh.

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    • I am pretty irritated this am but nothing like I was last night. Used to have BP II but then had full manic episode and got upgraded. I have always heard stuff though. It just gets worse when I have insomnia.

      I called again this morning because I got no call at all last night or this morning (finally crashed at 5 and up at 6:30). I even called my mom last night. She suggested warm milk. Ughh! i am not wasting milk like that.

      So, hopefully, someone will call today and see that this could only lead to an ER visit which I don’t need. I hate it when they presume to know what I need. You have probably had the same experience. Most of us do.

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      • Raeyn says:

        Yup, or just act like you’re not seriously having any issues because, in my case, I am a very pleasant, cheerful, and kinetic person. It’s part of my personal coping and yanno, especially trying to be helpful with doctors.

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  3. Hi Song,

    I did a stupid thing. I moved my blog to a new URL and forgot to notify readers. Total now following = 0

    My new blog is
    Depression and Bipolar Disorder: Insights From a Bipolar Bear
    I’m now at http://www.depressionandbipolardisorder,com

    Hope to see you back.

    Bradley (formerly known as “How Is Bradley”

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